Leaf, probably…

Shannon’s imaginary colleague comes across a pile of boxes outside the stationary room. Inside he/she can see Shannon wearing a newspaper hat, brandishing a ruler like a sword.

Imaginary Colleague: Hey Shannon, Cool newspaper pirate hat! Can I have one?

Shannon: No. It’s my conquering hat, and there’s no more newspaper left.

Imaginary Colleague: Oh… So what are you doing with all those boxes? It’s really hard to get into the stationary room with them all piled out here.

Shannon: I’m flirting with the idea of building a box wall and barricading myself in the stationary room. However it’s come to my attention that perhaps the kitchen might be a better room to annex.

Imaginary Colleague: Why’s that?

Shannon: Well for one thing, the kitchen’s got running water.

Imaginary Colleague: Right…

Shannon: …

Imaginary Colleague: … So listen can I get in there to use the photocopier?

Shannon: No. Leave now before I decide to extend the box wall to your office, minion.

Imaginary Colleague: I’ll just use the copier later.

DIY therapy people, it’s the new thing… In the following interview my therapist (who, coincidentally, is also me) interviews me about an irrational fear that I’ve been trying to get rid of. Yeah I know. It’s all me, me, me around here.

I heard somewhere that you get anxious about going to the Taekwon Do Class that you’ve been a member of for 3 months?

Yup. New things and people scare me silly sometimes. Most times. All of the time.

So when do you think that this class will stop being ‘new’ and scary then?

I’m not sure. Sometimes when I walk in that door I’m pretty sure it’s not going to pass.

My job used to do the same thing - it took 4 months before I could walk into the office without desperately wanting to leave and go pee/ stand in the bathroom and hyperventilate.

So walk me through it.

Well I’m fine all day, right up until I leave work. Then I sit on the bus and even if I’m thinking about other things, the nervousness finds a way to worm it’s way on through. Most of the time I can’t figure out why I’m even nervous. It’s crazy. I don’t even know why I react like this.

I walk across a big field on my way to the hall, and all the way across my stomach churns and my mouth goes dry. I have difficulty breathing past the rock on my chest.

Then I get into the class and take a few minutes to change. Once I’m dressed in my dobok and running around with all the other students I’m usually alright. It’s not scary anymore.

 Do you have anything you do to decrease  your anxiety?

Mostly I keep breathing. And I tell myself that I’m a big grown up baby. I remind myself that I’ve done this twice a week for almost three months, and it hasn’t been as awful as I was sure it was going to be each and every time I want in there.

Also I carry all my stress in my shoulders and back, so I make an effort to stay relaxed there.

I know you said you can never figure out why you’re nervous about something you do so often. If you were to guess, though, what do you think could be some reasons for it?

Possibly I’m worried about having to do stuff in front of people. Embarrassing stuff. Stuff that I’m not going to get right. Maybe I’m scared of looking stupid.

And what do you think of that?

I think it’s a stupid fear. Of course I’m going to have to do stuff in front of people. Of course I’m going to get it wrong - probably more times than I get it right at this point. Also everyone looks stupid at one point or another. I also wish I didn’t care.

Why do you keep attending the class if it makes you feel like this?

Because despite all of that, I really enjoy it. And I do make myself do this stuff in an effort to force me to confront these feelings I think.

Is it working?

I’m pretty sure it is. I’m far less worried about putting myself into new situations these days. And I’m way better at talking to new people.

Also I’ve been thinking more and more about traveling overseas… And the thought of doing it alone scares me a lot less than it did before - although I’d love to do it with someone else if I could.

And finally, how does that make you feel?

Elated. More approachable. Self reliant. And because of all this new stuff I’m learning, I feel far more interesting, and I’ve always wanted to be one of those really interesting people, you know?

Wait… You’re not going to put this up on the Internet are you? Because I’m pretty sure I didn’t sign a waiver for that.

_________

Do you have any irrational/ crazy fears? Go on and spill them for my amusement  because it would make me feel like much less of a crazy person right now.

Lately I’ve been feeling a bit negative. Uni has started up again, leaving me with less free time, and more work to do. Work has stepped up again, and I’m finding very little there to keep me interested  or motivated. My gym still doesn’t have any kickboxing classes I can attend, and as a result of that and stress I’m getting very little sleep.

All of this has had me trapped in a nasty mindset, example - I hate the bus. Uni blows. I hate my job. I should quit. Why bother it’s all just going to go down hill because I’m getting old. I’m so old all my muscles hurt. Old people need more sleep in the mornings. I hate having to get up. I’m only going to spend the rest of my life in admin hell anyway. Why bother finding clean clothes for that? And I’m never going to be allowed a puppy. - all before 8am this morning. (I’m just a beam of gleaming, life-filled sunshine in the mornings…)

So I thought I’d spend some time today reminding myself of things I love:

• Wiggling my fingers under the sand to attract fish.
• Cantering bareback on horses.
• Eating gherkins.
• Smelling freshly popped popcorn.
• Owning a computer (Come back, Marvin!)
• Wearing my dobok.
• Roundhouse kicks.
• Equalising.
• Fixing someone elses computer problem.
• Figuring out how to make my computer do something that I didn’t think it could.
• Making conversation with the old people who call our office phone.
• Hour long baths with yummy smelling products. And a book. Also a small bag of M&M’s and a big glass of chilled water.
• Having people believe the stories I make up.
• Cranberry Juice.
• The sound of my boxing glove slamming into a pad when I do a right hook.
• My boxing wraps.
• Catching up with friends.
• Connecting with new people.
• Knowing I did well.
• The Wellington International Ukulele Orchestra.
• Beating the photocopier into submission when no one else can.
• Winning stuff.
• Free stuff in general.
• House, Bones, and Boston Legal.
• Putting up the Xmas tree.
• Wrapping gifts.
• Getting my hair cut or coloured.
• Giggling.
• Dreaming interesting dreams.
• Getting letters and packages.
• Waking up slowly on weekends.
• Waking up early on weekends when Ben’s over.
• Walking dogs.
• Cats purring.
• Taking photos.
• Knowing where my phone is.
• Neatly packing boxes.
• Fresh sheets.
• Laughing with Mum when she tells me gossip.
• Doing Dad stuff with dad when I visit home.
• Running through kickboxing combos in my head instead of counting sheep.
• Finding a new hobby.
• Neck and shoulder rubs.
• Hugs.
• Learning New things.
• Helping someone else learn new things.
• Cold water, after standing for 1/2 an hour in the sun in a wet suit.
• Lukewarm showers.
• Biting into Kit Kat chocolate bars.
• Old jeans.
• Romance Novels.
• Watching other people dance.
• Going to the theater.
• Seeing the circus.

I know we don’t talk all that often - and I really should make more of an effort to stay in touch with you both. After all, you are the legs I stand on. Just as I am the suppler of your oxygen, and the one who chooses whether or not to stretch after intense exercise.

I know that my recent forays into running haven’t been particularly pleasant for you. That’s partially my fault. After all these years of light to moderate exercise, you were no doubt confused by my sudden insistence on running places.

In short this running thing does all manner of good things for my circulatory and cardiovascular systems, which will of course have run-on effects for you guys. Also I think you’ll find that with persistence and determination we will eventually be able to run for sustained periods without all this cramping and pain business.

So in the mean time, while we are working up to these distances I’ll be expecting you to put up and shut up. In that order.

Much appreciated

Shannon

First off, did you know that leafprobably is WordPress’ featured blog in a search for the tag ‘imaginary letters’? No? Well I am. More prestigious than that, perhaps, is the fact that I am the ONLY blogger that uses the tag ‘imaginary letters’.

I can assure you that I am most impressed by this achievement.

Also an achievement?: On Monday I went to the gym before and after work. Tuesday I went for a run with the Configure eXpress running club. So far I am the running club but we hope for many more members once word gets out…

I thought I’d manage about 5 minutes running - taking into account my 3 week intensive chocolate, cheese, and DVD training programme - but instead I managed to run about 20/25 minutes with a couple of short walking breaks. I thought I might use the running club to workup to a 5km run… this SUB Stride or Ride one in Palmy North perhaps…

The woman who organised the running club did her best to talk me into doing this 7km Around the Bays “fun” run but at that point I was too busy praying for an extra lung to fully answer her back.

She did mention the possibility of a free Configure Teeshirt, and I do like free stuff.

If the following followup letter makes no sense to you, you should probably check this letter out.  

Ms Steven,

 From your last letter I gather you view this as some sort of sick joke. I assure you Wellington Zoo is not impressed. Not one of our staff members would consider aiding you in your ridiculous plan, so I highly doubt you have many operatives undercover within this zoo, as you claim.

A Red Panda would be difficult to subdue - they are not as cute as they look, and do have sharp teeth and strong claws. They are also not entirely inconspicuous. Because of this you would be caught before getting the animal free of it’s enclosure, let alone the Zoo’s grounds.

Consider this your only warning. The police have been contacted, and Biosecurity New Zealand has been notified. All of our keepers are on high alert, you will be stopped.

The Red Panda Keeper
Wellington Zoo
New Zealand

***
Attention: Meerkat X
The hand that feeds has involved the Bacon. Implement Plan B.
-Shannon
***

 Dear Ms Steven,

Wellington Zoo has received intelligence insinuating that you are planning to obtain a Red Panda illegally at some point in the near future. This concerns us as you are booked in for a Red Panda Experience this Saturday.

As you well know theft, in New Zealand as with most other countries, is a crime. Furthermore the abduction of an endangered animal from a zoo would constitute serious punishment, at the least a hefty fine, and at most a lengthy prison sentence.

On top of the legal ramifications you should pause to think of the possible environmental impact, and the health of the animal you plan to obtain. Wellington Zoo is bound by the Animal Welfare (Zoos) Code of Welfare 2004 to ensure the welfare of all animals under our care.  Red Pandas are not naturally found in New Zealand, and we have no real way of knowing how the animal would fare should it get free. We cannot allow this to happen.

Due to their endangered status Wellington Zoo’s Red Pandas hold a high profile in both the national and international community. They are an essential part of an international breeding programme, and their presence here remains an important reminder of the plight of threatened and endangered species worldwide. Our international conservation community, along with the people of New Zealand, would be shocked and saddened by the loss of one of their more famous zoo animals.

The Red Pandas at Wellington Zoo are well cared for and available for the public to view most days of the year. Please revise your plans to obtain one through illegal means or we will be forced to cancel your Red Panda Encounter and involve the police.

Regards

The Red Panda Keeper
Wellington Zoo
New Zealand

*** 
Dear Sir/Madam,
I can assure you I don’t give a crap about any of that stuff. I have a foolproof plan and many operatives undercover within your zoo. See you on Saturday suckahs!
-Shannon
*** 

When you find out please pop back and let me know… Just in case my diving buddy isn’t able to give up his/ her life so that I can swim to safety.

Regards

Shannon

Hi there! Hows it going? And hows Lefty? Good I hope. I’m good too, although I can tell you right now that I’m a little sick of the antihistamines the doc has given me. They’re causing all kind of havoc over in Stomach. Never mind huh, they’re helping you guys along immensely by the feel of things.

Any-who, I was just writing to give you a bit of advanced warning, because I know you like to be kept in the loop. I’ll be re-doing my medical for my open water dive course this Wednesday, and during the exam you will be required to be fluid free and in good working order.

There will be a bit of equalising, and I’d really appreciate it if this time you made a real effort to co-operate with the doctor. I know you don’t enjoy being prodded about by doctors and nurses - none of the organs do - and I can’t help but feel I’ve passed on my fear of all things medical to you (at least it wasn’t my fear of blood huh!)

So in closing, keep up the good work with the antihistamines, and pencil Wednesday into your diary.

Much love,

Shannon

Must. Write. Post.

 Seriously, come on brain.

Anything will do.

Just spit something out.

Good lord are you on strike again?

Fine I’ll do it without your help.

This weekend. There was an Xmas tree. I put it up. Looks pretty awesome.

Also BBQ. Good food. Good company. Drank more than I have for 7 months, having a grand total of threedrinks. Yes, I was tipsy. Yes I’m a bit of a square.

Failed at muffins. Failed at cooking most things actually, so not a huge surprise. Just disappointing. Oven may be possessed by the spirit of anti-baking anti-Christ. Must investigate possibility further. Perhaps when brain gets back from smoko.

Well. A post without input from my brain. How mundane. Brain, come back. I miss you. Also, I miss the word ‘the’. Sentences just make more sense when a ‘the’ is involved.